Web of Lies

We all I think have a tendency to want to look good in other peoples eyes. Sometimes this leads to little cover ups or little lies to maintain our image. The trouble is that one lie usually leads to another and before long we can have a web of lies surrounding what was nothing more than an embarrassment.
Perhaps casual or work relationships don't require absolute truth all the time in order to maintain relationships but intimate relationships do. If we have to hide ourselves from our significant others through lies then a time could come when we live the lies and end up destroying the trust of the relationship when found out.
Interesting topic and I would like your comments.

Changing Others

We can find all kinds of books and information on how to influence people and about relationships. Most follow the illusion that we have the ability to change others. Simply not true.

Yes we can stop or modify someone else's behaviour when we have power over them as a boss, parent, or represent an organization that has the power to penalize us such as courts or police.

But that is really an outward appearance of compliance to avoid penalties we don't want applied to us.  But think to our own lives and ask whether that actually changed us or not.

The only person that can change us is ourselves. People enter into relationships with the idea that they can change the other person's faults through the power of the relationship and then wonder why it didn't work.

We can save ourselves a lot of anguish and pain if we learn that we have to accept others just as they are. Perhaps through our example they will see other ways of living that may or may not try.

But the bottom line is that only they can decide to change.

Your thoughts?

Technorati tags: relationships, change

Relationship Disputes

 I am so disappointed, sad, upset, or angry with you. This is usually the opening salvo of a fight at worse or at minimum of placing blame on you as the cause of a problem.

This common practice of placing the other person as the cause of the problem then gives us the superior position of being the person wronged. We then perceive that we have the power in the dispute; that is, we will determine the acceptability of their response. Only we can decide that it is finished when we are satisfied.

Now we have a power struggle where the other party has to defend themselves by possibly dragging up other issues that prove they were right in their actions. Now it is about who is right and no longer about the original issue.

Much like a war the ending may leave one of the parties feeling victimized and ready at a moments notice to resume the argument whenever they feel they have more ammunition. It festers and colors the whole relationship.

Is there a better way?

What if instead of placing blame we were to say that our relationship has a problem we jointly need to resolve. By making it our problem and our solution we take away blame and who is right from the equation. After all isn't it about solving the problem rather than starting a war.

Do you think this is possible? Your thoughts?

Technorati tags: relationships, problem solving, perspective

Relationship Minefields

Relationships can be such fragile things. I know I have been guilty of making both of the following assumptions that have led to the ending of relationships.

The first assumption we often make is that the other person in the relationship remains unchanged. Not everyone broadcasts the major and minor changes impacting their life especially in casual work or activity based friendships or in important ones if we have a lack of good communication and listening skills.

All of a sudden they act out of character or blow up in situations they handled differently in the past. We either immediately think it is something that we have done or they have gone off their rocker and avoid them or fight them. We feel like we are in a minefield.

In the case of casual acquaintances we often don't know the circumstances of their lives. They may have had a sudden death in the family, in the process of divorce, their partner lost their job, or a thousand other important issues that have nothing to do with us.

The second assumption is the reverse of the first one. We expect people to be mind readers. We go through a major or minor change and just expect people to notice and understand. After all shouldn't they be paying attention and know what is on our mind and what we are feeling.

We can be guilty of not paying attention to our relationships. We can get too comfortable with them and put them on autopilot and take them for granted.

We don't like being taken for granted so perhaps we shouldn't take others for granted either.

Your thoughts?

Technorati tags: relationships, perspective, personal growth