Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Relationship Minefields

Relationships can be such fragile things. I know I have been guilty of making both of the following assumptions that have led to the ending of relationships.

The first assumption we often make is that the other person in the relationship remains unchanged. Not everyone broadcasts the major and minor changes impacting their life especially in casual work or activity based friendships or in important ones if we have a lack of good communication and listening skills.

All of a sudden they act out of character or blow up in situations they handled differently in the past. We either immediately think it is something that we have done or they have gone off their rocker and avoid them or fight them. We feel like we are in a minefield.

In the case of casual acquaintances we often don't know the circumstances of their lives. They may have had a sudden death in the family, in the process of divorce, their partner lost their job, or a thousand other important issues that have nothing to do with us.

The second assumption is the reverse of the first one. We expect people to be mind readers. We go through a major or minor change and just expect people to notice and understand. After all shouldn't they be paying attention and know what is on our mind and what we are feeling.

We can be guilty of not paying attention to our relationships. We can get too comfortable with them and put them on autopilot and take them for granted.

We don't like being taken for granted so perhaps we shouldn't take others for granted either.

Your thoughts?

11 conversations:

Sarah Lewis said...

I know that when I get busy (with work, usually), my more casual relationship are the first thing to go.

I get to the point where I only see my husband and my sister (because they live in the same house!) until I get things under control.

This distance can lead to exactly the consequences you're talking about. :(

Random Magus said...

Wow that's a great perspective!!!
You are so right we make everything about ourselves and seldom realize that the other person might have something going on in their lives that we are not aware of.
The mind reader point is so valid... I am guilty of doing it with hubby sometimes. And he tells me that he is not a mind reader and I have to tell him if something is bothering me....

Peter Haslam said...

Been there Sarah and know what you mean. Sometimes unavoidable

Peter Haslam said...

It's good that your husband is comfortable in reminding you Random Magus

Comedy + said...

This is a great post for communication. It is one of the most difficult issues for folks. Most just don't know how to communicate properly. You nailed it on every point. The only thing I would add is find the middle of the road.

If you swing too much on the listening side you will find yourself in a place you don't want to be. Everyone, or almost everyone will dump on you and this can be very depressing. Unhealthy as a matter of fact. Finding the middle of the road here is what I try to do. Not always successful, but I certainly try. Another winner Peter. :)

Peter Haslam said...

Yes the middle road requires we pay attention and adjust Sandee very good point

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

want to know what i think peter? read my mind! ha ha ha ha

cleo is my left featured kitty....

smiles, bee

Peter Haslam said...

Good one Bee Cleo will be over for a look

Clark University--Couples Research said...

Similarly, there are attachment injuries that are overlooked between couples. If my last boyfriend cheated on me, I'm going to be worried that anyone in the future is going to cheat. It's like a bruise that is tender and that the new partner will have to be very wary of hurting.

http://coupleslab.blogspot.com/

Peter Haslam said...

Very good point Clark University Thank you

erp said...

nice post but still it depends on how we thinking about it.try our best to show the result